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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Post your jokes here. I'll go first.

Accident in Alaska!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel that you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
 

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I think my son would really want you to know this joke, which he tells anyone he can convince to listen. (Thanks, husband, for this classy one. :plain:)

Why does Peter Pan fly?

....

You'd fly too, if someone hit your Peter with a pan.

<duh duh duh chhh>

(sigh)

I've made his day for sure.
 

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Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandfather's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

Beard Hat Human Tableware Painting

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, No he couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Golfer Golf club Golf equipment Sports equipment Professional golfer
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Confident Pilot

Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple Watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my friends………is Confidence!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.

On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked spread eagle on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same
retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale.."
 

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President Obama. The biggest joke for a president the USA has ever had.
The real joke is what this once great republic has become. The even funnier part is that it gets more hilarious by the day and that when the final punch line is delivered no one will be laughing.
 
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Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,"What kind of beer you got."
 
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A duded-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, he bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do" The old veteran slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead'. Eagerly, he slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
 

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Sister Mary ran out of gas.  She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.  The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.  She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.  Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was carefully pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ministers watched from across the street.  One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I’m converting."
 
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