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We all seem to be spending a lot of our time thinking about tragic events that we feel like will impact our lives soon. I often think we are spending too much of our short time on the earth dwelling on the negatives of this old world. I say we spend some of our time each day with a little humor and maybe even a chuckle or two...or three. So I am starting this thread with my contribution for "the joke of the day" and look forward to reading your's. Enjoy!

So my teetotaler neighbor lady who more than once has noticed that I tend to imbibe...sometimes maybe to the extreme...asked me yesterday what drove me to drink. I calmly but politely told her that usually I took my Chevelle.
:mrgreen:
 

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I agree, part of prepping is keeping a good mental attitude. Sometimes one can get so tied up in all the news and disasters around the world that it can drive you nuts.

Speaking of which...

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch... the bartender say's, "hey, don't that hurt?"... the pirate say's yeah, its driving me nuts. :razz:
 

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what does Simba and Obama have in common?

one is an African Lion and the other is a Lyin African...
 

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Three blondes are walking through the woods when they come upon a set of tracks. "I think they're rabbit tracks," says the first blonde. "No, they're duck tracks," said the second blonde. "Can't be," says the third. "They're obviously moose tracks." They were all still arguing when the train hit them.
 

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Blonde was out working in her back yard trimming shrubs and accidentally cut your cats tail off. So she takes the cat to Walmart. She heard that they are the world's largest retailer.
 

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Conservatives don't lie. lol
 
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A Pirate Captain overheard the lookout in the crow's nest shout: British warship on the horizon! He bravely ordered one of his men to bring him his red shirt, that way during the heat battle they will never know I'm bleeding! The lookout shouted a correction: My bad, there are 100 British warships on the horizon! To which the Captain quickly said; "Yarggggh! Bring me my brown pants instead!
 

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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.” No one moved. The preacher continued. "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 

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TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

***********************************************************************************

At age 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************

At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 28
You don't need to tell her a story
To take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************

At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

***********************************************************************************

At 78
What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

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According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
People are having sex right now

212,130
Are kissing

And, one old fart is
Reading forum Jokes!


You hang in there sunshine!
 

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A blonde walks into a bar, says, "ouch," then rubs her head.
 

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They Patriots won the Super Bowl and took home the trophy, but in the end you have to give it to Marshawn Lynch of the Seahawks…

NO, REALLY COACH, YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT TO MARSHAWN LYNCH...
 

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A plane is in trouble and is going to crash, sadly due to misplanning there are only two parachutes for the three persons on board who include, the elderly pilot, a Boy Scout, and President Obama. President Obama says, "I'm the most powerful man in the world, I get a parachute." He takes a chute and promptly jumps out. The elderly pilot goes up to the Boy Scout and says, "Son, I've led a good life. You take the other chute." The Boy Scout says, "There's still two parachutes. President Obama took my knapsack."
 

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The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know!!

Children Writing About the Ocean….

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an azzhole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat azz. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown, I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
 

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SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A
YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN,
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID
DANCE...NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."


A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD
BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED
HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING,
HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN,
AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT
AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY
SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE
LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE
QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S bubblegum?"



THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM ... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO."



THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING.
 

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It's truly sad that the United States is the richest most powerful nation, yet we can't send Hillary Clinton away for a face lift.
 

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A little racist...I know you've ya own views but...*Hopes he isn't banned*
 
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