If you love something set it free. It will come back to you.
This is a discussion on Its just love, nobody gets out alive. within the General Talk forums, part of the General Discussion category; Ill start with a disclaimer (its sad I need one of these) This is not a suicide post or a sign of anything may or ...
Ill start with a disclaimer (its sad I need one of these)
This is not a suicide post or a sign of anything may or may not happen. Its JUST venting!
Idk if I can post this here but I will anyway because... Well I dont really know what to do anymore.
Its sunday morning and im stunned, cant move, cant think, nothing inside but pain.
People treat love and relationships like these are small disposable things. Wtf is wrong with people ?!
I met my first girlfriend when I was in my thirties. It changed my life. I gave my entire heart (that was a mistake)
We met completely by accident and it was an intense relationship. We were inseperable, best friends.
We lived together for quite a few years. She is American im Canadian, we were working on making her legal over here.
We found the immigration laws here nearly impossible to figure out and so... One day we crossed the border on vacation (we were told by an immigration worker to do this and everything would be fine) The result was they didnt let her back into the country and we had to scramble to find a place for her (she sold her place and all her stuff to be with me)
Following that I visited her in her new place and all was going well between us. Despite the fact there was a whole lot of other horrible things going on in my life at the time. We would talk all day every day online.
Slowly she would speak to me less and less and she would get mad at everything I said. I just couldnt figure it out.
Then one day she just completely stoped talking to me online.
A few times I called just to see how she was doing and she seemed very happy to speak to me and said she doesnt mind at all if I phone or email her and keep in touch.
But... As things go. The idea of hearing her voice again got to be too painful so I havent called in a few months.
Im sure she met someone but idk...
Its been idk a year and a half almost two years without her. Ive lost track of time.
Ive been on complete autopilot this whole time.
Being on autopilot is how ive been dealing, I get up in the morning then work hard all day. I get a lot done and it helps me keep my mind distracted. But its not enough, every evening it all comes rushing back to me.
By bed time the sadness is so much that I get a terrible headache and feel like my brain is going to explode. I usually drift off to sleep crying and mumbling to myself at some early hour of the morning.
Its been a while and im worried about how she is doing. I know she had a few troubles she was dealing with (and so I worry) I tired to call three times this week and the phone always goes to voicemail (ok she usually leaves her phone without power and she was never one to return calls) I tried email... She said she would always leave her email account so I can reach her. Still nothing...
I know this is the same old story countless people have told and survived.
Im sure ive told it a few times and people tend to get tired of it.
But its destroying me...
First girlfriend... I never felt feelings like this, I have no idea how to process or let this go, no idea at all.
Time is making it worse. Im not forgetting, im becoming bitter and dark inside.
I gave her my heart, even now if there was a second chance but I knew it would cost me my life, anything, everything... I wouldnt hesitiate. I would endure any pain any torment for a second chance.
I know I made mistakes... I didnt realize the mistakes till it was too late and looking back. Typical stuff I think... I should have payed more attention to our relationship. I was just so happy together with her that I guess I was blind.
How do you deal with this sort of pain ? Beacuse its really...
If this is the result of love... Its intolerable, it is hell. Every moment I wish I was dead because of this feeling.
I know its not quite right... Im not quite normal inside, never was.
My gears sort of work in an odd way and cant seem to process this.
If we had a fight or if she had told me that she just doesnt love me anymore I might have a chance to process this inside. But as it went... All was good, she said it was all good, she said she loves me... Then she just dissapeared. Left me with nothing but questions and my mind keeps trying to fill in those gaps...
Why didnt she tell me ? What went wrong ? What can I do ? Is she ok ? ... Thats the worst. Not knowing... And not knowing if she really is ok. It was just so out of character.
Like myself she has very few friends. None in real life in all the years that I know of (self proclaimed shut in)
She avoids her family. So idk who else could tell me if shes ok. If she was in any danger I would be there in a second no matter how far away it is. But not knowing... I cant just travel from Canada to the middle of the USA. I have no money to even buy groceries or pay bills anymore.
I see all these quotes and stuff about love. Half say let her go, half say if its true love then you have to go after it.
I dont want to be that guy that doesnt know when to let go. Thats why I let go... I let her go and didnt push it in hope that she would be happy. Even though its killing me. Should I have stood my ground ?
My feelings for her... Its unreal. I would move the stars and do the impossible if it would make her happy.
Recently thats where the bitterness is sinking in... I keep thinking how can one human being do that to another that loves them ? Just crush them and walk away.
Then I consider that this is life "love hurts" and I realize most humans do this to eachother, all the drama out there.
Is it "we are horrible" or is it that life really is this fu*ked up... I think both.
In this time ive been learning, growing on autopilot ive been getting in shape... All work, no tome to think or eat.
Inside im screaming and clawing and dark and empty and cold.
Seeing people in relationships makes the tears start to flow.
Not manly, ill admit im a bit fragile inside... It comes back to being wired in odd ways.
Speaking of zombies... Im already dead inside, theres no hope. What I need is a miracle because this is completely changing me into something I dont like and cant seem to escape.
Im not sure why I even write this stuff... Really it never helps but its without a doubt venting. I spend days and weeks just biting my tongue wanting to reach out but I never do because it is never a good thing to open up in this world.
After a time I cant think of what else to do... I just exist and feel pain as it builds up inside and crushes my heart and soul and mind.
Anyway... This is a bit dark for a sunday. Take it with a grain of salt... Take your families and loved ones and be together. Be happy and do something fun. For yourselves as well as for me.
Last edited by Denton; 10-18-2015 at 02:04 PM.
iIt is doing you no good writing all this here and not telling her how you feel. You need closure, and you wont find that here. If what you are doing is not working and she doesn't want to answer your emails or calls then take that as your hint that she has moved on and so should you. Things happen for a reason Blackcat, maybe your soul mate is still out there and you are gonna bump into them in 1 day from now or 10 years. my last advice is get along with your life and enjoy what God has given you. We all experience pain ^^. Hope you feel better soon.
That makes sense octopusprime. Originally I did try to talk about it... All I got was "I dont want to talk about it" then a wall of silence.
So I figure thats that...
I shouldnt feel the way I do about someone that doesnt have the heart to give me a clean break, but I keep wondering if she couldnt give me a clean break because she does still jave feelings and doesnt want to hurt me. (Which is more like her) but that is even more painful.
Atm I cant imagine any other soulmate but her (but then thats normal too isnt it)
Ive been trying to pick up the pieces and try dating online (I live to far in the boonies to meet in the traditional ways)
But I cant even seem to set up an online dating profile... Idk if its because it doesnt feel right or my heart just isnt in it or I dont know how to write a half decent profile, or a dozen other things... I do know I spend hours every evening over the last few months just staring at online dating sites and trying to figure out what to do.
So, it's been months since you talked to her? How do you get over this?
Clearly she has gotten over you, Canada is a big country are there no women there? The best way to get over it is to have a shiny, brand new girlfriend. Believe it or not there are many women that do want a guy to stick around and be faithful. Look for someone divorced with kids, they would like someone they can trust who wants to stay. If not then get one of those Russian or Chinese mail order chicks. But seriously, unless you look like the elephant man you can find a new girlfriend.
Now buck up man, chicks dig confidence. If this was the walking dead Rick Grimes would be seriously considering just stabbing you in the skull. Do you look like the elephant man?
Its a personality thing, becides being socially inept im also batshit crazy (sorry... Reality challenged)
In 30 years I jever even came close to meeting anyone. Wouldnt even know how too. Then she just sort of fell into my world like a ton of bricks.
We had talked a few times on a froum like this. One day she dissapeared, someone told me she had mentioned depression and suicide. I got worried and contacted the police. They showed up and found her unconcious... And we became inseperable from that day on.
Now thats kind of what im worried about... Perhaps... Idk.
Lmao James interesting idea... I can see how it would work in a way.
Im just not much for fights. Actually she always tried to start fights with me because she said "it will make me stronger"
If I tried that I would just end up not forgiving myself for it.
Just keep working on yourself. Stay strong. Plenty of fish in the sea.
I didn't read your post but I did notice how long it is. My thought is that if you're taking the time to spill that much of your soul on a prepper and whatever other forums - you need to focus on yourself. Figure out who you are, what you like, what you don't, what you can change and what you cannot. Don't worry about this girl or the next girl until you're at peace and in a good healthy place. Best to you, brother!
Grab a damn shovel and come on down to Slippy Lodge. I got lots of shat to do that will make you forget you know who.
Advice to the youngsters, make some good decisions about who you stick you PP in or who sticks their PP in you, or Slippy will jack your ass up.
Last edited by Slippy; 10-18-2015 at 03:15 PM.